Chareidim Finally Care About Themselves

The shidduch crisis solution is finally real leadership

R Slifkin is at it again:

The Shidduch Crisis and Hypocrisy

Of course, R Slifkin here blames his favorite boogeyman, the chareidim, for not caring about other types of Jews. In my opinion, this is a hateful blood libel. Chareidim certainly care about the other Jews as much as they care about themselves. Many chareidi shuls in the USA say tehillim regularly, mention chayalim’s names in mishebarach, feel pain whenever they hear about a soldier being hurt or cha”v worse, and regularly pray for the hostages’ releases. They do not serve in the army, so they are definitely removed from feeling the same effects as the dati leumi, but that doesn’t mean they do not care. They care very much.

Here’s what R Slifkin gets right however: The Chareidim don’t care in the sense of actually doing something reality based. It’s because Yeshivish people don’t believe reality is real. Rather, there is a metaphysical background real world, and this world is the illusion. In that sense, they don’t even care about themselves.

Here are some examples (which R Slifkin should know, considering he’s blogged about them a few hundred million times, until the Chareidim going to army became the new ragebait) :

Chareidim didn’t care about basic safety in Meron because R’ Shimon would protect them.

Chareidim didn’t care about getting college degrees because parnassa is beyad hashem.

And, until recently, Chareidim American Yeshivish didn’t care about the shidduch crisis because it says Bas Ploni Leploni and its all bashert.

That is why I am a huge fan of this new proposal. This is one of the first time that many Yeshivish rabbanim got together and challenged the status quo based on something Yeshivish people don’t believe in - math.

The math involved here is obvious. There is population growth of around 5% a year, and boys are marrying girls 4 to 5 years younger. After many years there end up being a lot of girls who have no one to marry, as there are a surplus of 5 girls or so.

Here is a quote from Mishpacha (and you should read the whole article):

Rav Brudny and Rav Bender both acknowledge that Rav Epstein foresaw it all, some 20 years ago. The crisis was still in its nascency then; there was a niggling but growing realization that too many young women just weren’t finding shidduchim — and that something bigger than “pickiness” or “types” was at play. It was an actuary who identified the root cause, sharing a theory that has now become a ubiquitous phrase: the age gap. Boys were beginning to date at age 23, girls at age 19. Since the population grows each year, the pool of girls entering the “market” every year is significantly larger than its corresponding pool of boys. And so the pool of boys depletes while, every year, the pool of girls is left with several singles remaining.

The result: Crisis.

Over the years, several other contributing factors have been identified as well, among them: unrealistic expectations, financial and otherwise; logistical difficulties for girls in out-of-town communities; misalignment in hashkafah between boys and girls; and a severe dearth of available shadchanim.

And while resolving these issues can improve the system, it cannot rectify a mathematical reality. At its most basic level, the shidduch crisis is about numbers. The age gap is creating an imbalance between the number of boys and girls, manufacturing a data-proven systemic problem that warrants a systemic solution.

This solution has to come in one — or both — of two ways, each with the same end goal: closing the gap.

Boys can begin dating earlier, or girls can begin dating later. The closer in age the two groups are, the more equitable the “market” will become.

Though this was already obvious to rabbanim, askanim, and laymen decades ago, little progress has been made in achieving either of these objectives. The crisis is in full swing.

We all know this, but the rabbanim, the address for all those suffering families, face exponential waves of pain.

“It’s a disaster,” says Rav Bender. “My son has a daughter who is 22. There were 67 girls in her class. Only 30 are married.”

Rav Bender shares how he was recently in Chicago where he spoke to over 90 older single girls. “Many have never even dated yet,” he says.

Rav Epstein explains that while these numbers are terrifying, they come as no surprise. “This has been going on for two decades,” he says. “The problem today is the same as it was then. It’s just that the population is growing and so the numbers are getting bigger.”

“Wherever I go, people are lining up for brachos,” Rav Brudny says. “Fathers, mothers, sisters, and brothers, all asking for brachos for their daughters or sisters.” His voice rises an octave. “Kids! Young kids who shouldn’t be having any worries in life! They’re begging for brachos for their sisters!”

The emotional toll is exacting a collateral consequence that can be deemed a crisis in its own right.

This was predictable, and totally preventable (and was predicted by many, not just R Kalman), and of course, the chasidim and Israeli chareidim DON’T have a shidduch crisis as their age gap is within a year. The math is obvious, and the solution simple - close the age gap. Of course, nothing was done for many years, because every shidduch is planned by Hashem and math isn’t real against a beferushe aggadata gemara. And the Rosh Yeshivos, whose policies of freezers and of sending boys to Eretz Yisroel at a late age were directly precipitating the problem weren’t that concerned. After all, its all beyad Hashem anyways and their own daughters were all getting married. These Yeshivish leaders didn't care about their own.

However, a bunch of factors got together to finally effect change. First of all, many shul rabbanim, who were dealing with actual families and real people, finally stood up - beroshum R Uri Deutch Shlit”a. They conducted an interview study, and while the numbers were not published to reduce panic, I can share some which someone deeply involved shared with me:

• There is currently a 3 to 1 ratio of girls names and boys names in the hands of shadchanim in Lakewood

• In surveys of rebbeim, teachers, and rabbonim, the only older unmarried boys were “weird” and had only one or two per grade and shul, while the girls grades of the same age had between 5-7, most having no issues.

This combined with two new factors:

• While the Roshei Yeshivos’ daughters all got married, many of them have older single granddaughters…

• R Elya Brudny Shlita - another one of the rabbonim showing leadership - has been dealing with a spate of divorces and marriage issues specifically a result of girls getting married while within the post-seminary bubble, who then crash back to earth a few months after marriage and realize that the ideals they were brainwashed with is not the life they actually want. As a result, R Brudny strongly believes that girls should wait a year after seminary to live in the real world and find themselves.

As a result of this, the rabbonim established this new proposal, which was widely advertised in all the magazines. In essense, it consists of two parts:

1. The Girls should wait one year after seminary before starting to datTe

2. Boys should go to Eretz Yisroel early

This will hopefully start reducing the age gap and narrow the 3 to 1 ratio to 2 to 1 or less.

I am extremely happy that some real leadership and taking achrayos is finally happening in klal yisroel. I hope it will succeed, though I think it will fail as it is a classic Prisoner’s dilemma, as if all the girls wait it will be better for all of them, but if one jumps ahead she will gain. And Prisoner’s dilemmas usually resolve to stasis - where everyone acts the same even if they cooperated they will do better. (I think all rabbanim and leaders need to learn basic game theory). In my opinion, if they focused on boys getting married younger it will be easier to accomplish.

The rabbonim are aware of this, but unfortunately the real leadership is being foiled by fake leadership:

In an interview in Mishpacha (not online), The Novominsker Rebbe (the new one) was asked:

The proposal addresses both boys and girls, but it does not appear balanced. Girls are being told to accept a comprehensive no-dating policy for one year after seminary, Boys are being advised to leave for Eretz Yisrael a year earlier, but the tone is less certain. Will all frum Yeshivah comply with this? There is no guarantee. So while 100 percent of girls are expected to participate, there doesn't seem to be the same expectation on the boys' end. How is that fair?

Let us answer this question in two parts. First, from a conceptual perspective, our position is that the onus should be placed more on the girls than on the boys. Of course not! Rav Moshe Hillel was abundantly clear that this effort must come from both ends, and the proposal ultimately will result in greater compliance from girls than boys. We can't predict the long-term outcome, but in the short term, yes, this is possible.

The reality is that boys who operate within a yeshivah setting, will follow direction from their roshei yeshivah. Not all roshei yeshivah have expressed their commitment to the proposal, and thus, not all boys will be following it, (emphasis mine - Ash) but many will, and our expectation is that this number will grow.

It is also bear in mind the words of Rav Elya Brudny, quoted in the article, in which he raised the general concern with girls immediately after seminary. Now is not the time to expound on the severity of the issues in this regard, but the concern is shared by many leading rabbanim and mechanchim. This, too, is an important factor in the focus on girls' participation in this endeavor.

A final thought to consider is that perfectionism can be our greatest enemy. Even if it's true that we will not achieve 100 percent compliance—should that determine our ambition to achieve success on the girls' end? Every bit of progress is one step closer to evening out the numbers, and one step away from the bitterness prevailing in the shidduch market today.

His answer displays brutal honesty: The girls will listen to the rabbanim, but some Roshei Yeshiva will not. Sad. Slifkin is wrong - these “Roshei Yeshiva” don’t even care about Chareidim.

Of course, the easiest and most obvious solution to close part of the gap would be to eliminate the BMG freezer. Unfortunately, that requires real leadership to happen. It is more important that BMG has a slightly shtarker zman than klal yisroel’s daughters getting married. Oh well. (Only you the krumme baal habas has to listen to the Eretz yisroel Gedolim when it comes to the WZO. When it comes to eliminating the freezer, the roshei yeshivos have no need.)