A sad post from Lakewood

Does Exit98's post highlight something we can change?

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This post by a new blog, The Lakewood Skeptic a.k.a. Exit98 (referring to the exit to Lakewood on the GSP) made me feel quite sad.

One Summer Night

There are two main reasons why the post made me feel sad. First, there was a tremendous amount of spiritual abuse mentioned in the article:

Gedalya is our Rosh Yeshiva. Sharp, quick-witted, and full of contradictions. Once a prized talmid of a prominent rosh yeshiva, he had admired his rebbe’s brilliance and charisma. But over time, that admiration gave way to disillusionment as he uncovered the darker side of the man he once revered. The brilliance, he realized, masked a manipulative and cruel personality. Favoritism, public humiliation, and controlling behavior turned their relationship toxic. Disillusioned not only with his rosh yeshiva but also with his faith, Gedalya eventually broke away, grappling with the loss of a world he once revered.

And

None of us could have known how fleeting this time with Moshe would be. In just a few months, he’ll be in a terrible car accident. He’ll hang on for a few weeks, slipping in and out of an induced coma, only to slip away entirely. Out of our lives as quickly as he entered them. Leaving behind an ache we’ll carry forever and questions we’ll never have answered. His younger boys never got to say goodbye. Their rosh yeshiva advised them not to visit their dying father - for fear of… I still don’t know what.

Unfortunately, as a community that rightly values Torah knowledge, we all too often prioritize that knowledge over living on those ideals. This results in us worshipping people who ought not to be worshipped, those who have unresolved issues and guide others in their path, wrongly followed because they have superior textual analysis skills but lack basic interpersonal skills (or worse, have toxic ones). Unfortunately, this is hard to remedy, because all constructive criticism or even airing of such stories is usually condemned as bizui talmidei chachamim. I have discussed this issue in the past, so I will not dwell on it here.

Spiritual Abuse is real

The second thing that made me sad was this: They exchanged a beautiful religion, heritage, culture and background for a slice of pepperoni pizza. They exchanged our beautiful niggunim for Lana Del Rey. Worse, nearly every single person mentioned seems less happy than before! Why would they do this?

I think the issue is this: Without exception, they have been taught (as have I) that the Torah is capital T truth and the reason we follow it is because via magically performing random acts called Mitzvos (the more chumros the better) we get heaven points, and via performing random bad acts called Aveiros we get hell points. There’s no rhyme or reason for these acts or why Hashem would choose them, but that’s what we do. And the best way to get into heaven is by learning all day ancient Babylonian law books and systemically ignoring the conclusions of said laws but following a later work that has all the possible opinions compiled into it.

Of course, that is a hell of a religion and one that one would want to leave, if one were convinced it was false.

Gedalya regales us with a story from his day at the office, where he works as an accountant for a frum healthcare company. Someone had brought in a fancy cheesecake. One of those really good ones. Gedalya had eaten a deli sandwich for lunch but assumed no one had noticed. As he walked back to his desk, a coworker suddenly yelled, “Gedalya! You’re fleishigs!” The shout stopped him in his tracks, and he had no choice but to sheepishly pretend he’d forgotten, putting the cheesecake back with exaggerated reluctance. At first, he was genuinely upset - he’d really wanted that cheesecake. But then the absurdity of the situation struck him. And now we’re all in stitches. Laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of a law that can stop a grown man from eating cheesecake.

However, that is not what Judaism is or is meant to be! Judaism is a culture, a lifeforce, a place where a Jew feels at home. The mitzvos have reasons, as do the aveiros. By doing it we are part of a culture that rewards us and changes the world. It unites us. It is the culture that taught monotheism to the world and civilized humanity. It’s a culture that Hitler called the world’s conscience! And its a culture that has existed for 2000 years, precisely because it is a hard culture to adhere to.

The easiest place and way to see it is in Israel. In Israel, there are many many people who do not believe in the authenticity of halacha or that the Torah is from Hashem. Yet many of those people keep kosher, keep Shabbat (as they would call it) and even daven three times a day. And if you would ask them why they do it, they say simply because we are Jewish. That’s what we do. A Yehudi keeps kosher. A Yehudi keeps shabbat. It’s an integral part of our identity. Rav Shagar describes this feeling as Beytiyut - a Jew feels at home in his culture, in his land.

If you are having a hard time understanding my point, I’ll try to bring an example. Imagine if I go to a sixth-generation American and gently point out the lack of historicity of the Thanksgiving myth of Plymouth Rock. Do you think he will have a crisis of faith of Americanism? Or he will stop celebrating Thanksgiving? Or even stop being medakdek on the cranberry sauce? I would imagine not. Because Thanksgiving as a celebration is much more than its founding myth’s authenticity.

And that is what makes me sad. The skeptic in Lakewood Skeptic’s post aren’t merely leaving their religion - they are showing their religion was never a home in the first place.

To quote from a previous post by the Skeptic:

Yom Kippur is no different to me than Ramadan or the Balinese New Year. Would anyone think to ask why I don’t stick hooks through my skin and hang from poles in a Sun Dance? Or why I don’t leave my dead on a mountaintop for vultures in a Zoroastrian sky burial? No one would, because it’s not part of their framework. Dare I say, it’s completely irrelevant. That’s how I feel about Yom Kippur. The question isn’t “Why don’t I fast?” The question should be, “Why would I fast?”

Mamish

And to which I responded:

Fasting on Yom Kippur should be different to you, just as a Mexican celebrates Cinco De Mayo without believing in Mexico and an Italian celebrates Columbus Day. You are part of the Jewish culture by dint of being born in that ethnicity, regardless of religion. Why one would not keep kosher makes sense, but fasting on Yom. Kippur should be different as many Jews who don't believe a word do it. It's the lack of cultural affiliation that is eyebrow raising and why one would rightfully be surprised that it "is no different to you", because while it may not be religiously, it should definitely be culturally.

Of course I don’t expect someone who doesn’t believe to keep kosher fully, or shabbos fully. But that isn’t what is happening here. We aren’t seeing people delight in their Jewish culture but leaving parts of the religion behind. We are rather seeing a full-fledged rejection of their birth culture, a mocking instead of a pride.

I want to rewrite the story of Gedalya:

Jackson regales us with a story from his day at the office, where he works as an accountant for an American Flag Company. Someone had brought in a fancy American flag and had gently spread it on the floor. One of those really big ones. Jackson needed the bathroom and the quickest way was to step on the flag. Suddenly, there was a shout from veteran who worked there. “Jackson, the American flag!” The shout stopped him in his tracks, and he had no choice but to sheepishly pretend he’d forgotten the flag was there. At first, he was genuinely upset - he’d really wanted that shortcut. But then the absurdity of the situation struck him. And now we’re all in stitches. Laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of a custom that can stop a grown man from stepping on a flag!

Suddenly arbitrary laws don’t seem as ridiculous, when they are seen as part of a cultural construct instead of seeming chumros.

And that is what makes me sad. I’m not trying to convince these fellows the Torah is true - I don’t know if one can prove it though I strongly believe it. Nor am I trying to say that this is the reason they went OTD. Rather, what makes me sad is how it is practiced by those who still believe, how what they reject illustrates what they rejected. The Jewish culture these people left isn’t about pride in being Jewish, or getting close to Hashem, or feeling spiritually high. It is about following strict laws with utmost irrationality and arbitrary meticulousness because being mekayim the most shitos gets you the most heaven points. There’s no self-identity or feeling at home, but rather “we do it because we were commanded”. (Imagine one’s feeling of Chanukah not being the hominess of sitting around the candles playing dreidel, but the anxiety of whether he was mekayim four shitos at once.) And then when the bubble bursts, there’s no nostalgic longing for that, but just relief and indifference. The Jewish religion they left was the tax code, not the loving feeling of hominess and self-identity one feels when they are at home in a culture. And that’s what makes me sad, because it is something us frum Jews need to fix so when the next Lakewood skeptic inevitably goes off the derech, he still fasts on Yom Kippur like his Israeli cousins - or even just feels it is different than a regular day. And I suspect we’d have a lot less skeptics going OTD as well, because it is hard to be skeptical of a culture.

Judaism can be beautiful. We see it in Israel when the whole country is kosher because of supply and demand and how everyone sings Hashem Yitbarach Tamid Ohev Oti. We see it at Chabad houses - how all those Israelis who are not frum go to chabad house because it reminds them of home. We see it in Uman, how Jews of all stripes - many not religious and even some atheists - go to Rabeinu to enjoy Rosh Hashana. We see it in Tzahal and in Zaka, how they fearlessly help their fellow Jews. We even see it in Lakewood, when one walks into BMG on Shavuos night and witnesses the devotion we have had to the Torah for thousands of years. We have a beautiful culture. We need to place the focus on it.

Edit: This does not cha”v imply that the Torah is only culture. I view the Torah as a sophisticated divine system meant to promote monotheism and given by Hashem to preserve the Jewish nation as that system. My main point was the present-day lack of focus on that and on the culture and instead the focus on minutiae.