Spiritual Abuse is real

An issue in our community

I really dislike bashing chareidim and the yeshiva system. There are too many blogs dedicated to it. It's easy to call out something in a different community. Besides, I myself and sociologically chareidi and do not enjoy when people paint my whole community as backward out of touch obscurants.

However, there was a post by Elad Nehorai that I feel is important to share as it actually is an issue in our community.

The Danger of Spiritual Abuse in the Haredi and Orthodox Jewish Worlds

While Elad’s article mainly focuses on the Chabad world, it definitely occurs as well in the litvish world. I myself was in two different yeshivos where there was spiritual abuse occuring. Unfortunately, many RY believe because they are baalei shita, they need to instill their shitos into their talmidim via any means possible. The litvishe yeshiva model where anyone who wants to can open a yeshiva (as long as he has a good last name) lends itself ripe for abuse, as there is no oversight. Especially since a yeshiva is graded based on its successes and not its failures, a charismatic Rosh Yeshiva can cause tremendous damage while also causing tremendous success.

I will share that in one yeshiva I was in, the Rosh Yeshiva used the silent treatment when he felt a bochur or even an avreich did something that pas nisht for a ben torah. The Talmud could ask a kasha or teretz or go up to speak with him and the RY would act like he wasn't there! He considered this to be good chinuch - and this is in a top yeshiva in EY. The RY wouldn't deign to explain himself in person to the Talmud; insread, he would send a son or a different avreich to explain what the talmud did wrong so he could fix it - compare to narcissist’s flying monkeys. (I am convinced that this RY is not a narcissist, as he expressed firm compassion to his talmidim many times - but he learnt this mehalach from his rebbe, who in my opinion undoubtedly was).

This RY also had firm opinions about hashkafos and sholom bayis and ruined some people's lives based on his chumros and shitos. (One can even possibly say worse, but I don't want to expose his identity). I have close friends who either ended up divorced or very confused because of some misintentioned advice.

(This is not to say that a RY can't give advice about Shalom Bayis. He should! But it requires deep knowledge of the person, which can be impossible when there are hundreds of talmidim. He should give advice when there's a close relationship between him and the talmud and he has an intimate understanding of the situation. I myself am grateful and thankful to my rebbe with whom I am extremely close who has guided my wife and I in many tough patches. But a rebbe or RY cannot merely dispense some advice based on his shittos during a ten minute meeting - something I've seen happen many times.)

In another Yeshiva I was in, there was a bochur who undoubtedly had severe depression, remaining in bed for days and weeks at a time. To say the RY mishandled this would be the understatement of the century. This RY was yeshivish to an extreme and didn't believe in psychology. (He once advised me to stop taking ADHD medications, and work on Musser, because, as he told me, “it's mainly laziness”. I didnt listen, but a friend of mine did and suffered greatly as a result). The RY was convinced that the cause of him remaining in bed was atzlus and shemiras habris issues (as he termed them). He instituted a knas system for the bachur. The bochur tried for a bit but ended back up in bed. After he missed one to many shiurim, the RY marched to his room after shiur (trailed by many bochrim) and kicked him out for not shelling tzu in front of them!!! This bochur needed psychological help (and ended up getting it, boruch Hashem, and is now happily married.) This yeshiva is still around because there's no oversight! And the success stories (the normal bochrim who certainly did shteig from the RY's good shiurim and mehalach halimud) outweigh the problem stories, and those stories are considered just the exceptions and ignored, despite what the RY doing being a severe abuse of power and responsibility.

Now, I went to three other yeshivos. They were great. In one, I had a rebbe in one who was extremely close to me and tried to understand me. He was the very opposite of a baal shita. To this day I am close to him. The other yeshivos respected their talmidim and knew their area of expertise and referred bochrim who were struggling for help. I occasionally had a rebbe who gave misintentioned and dumb advice, but they weren't resentful when it wasn't taken. They knew their boundaries. Most yeshivos are like this and the other yeshivos are a minority. But due to the reasons Elad identifies in his article on spiritual abuse, it's still common in our communities because we lack an oversight system.

My ideal solution to this would be that every Rosh Yeshiva would need a supervisor, just like in Social Work. Social workers know their boundaries, and one who doesn't will lose their job, even if he or she is successful. This prevents people from judging solely on success stories. I don't see this happening practically, but teaching boundaries and awareness of what a rebbe’s area of expertise is in and what lays beyond it would be a good start.

Here are some boundaries I would recommend:
1) It’s ok to say that aveiros have punishment. It is NEVER ok to say that a specific misfortune was due to a specific aveira done by a person. The only one who knows that is Hashem.

2) Not every shemiras habris issue is an addiction or means something is wrong. A rebbe should know that masturbation and occasional looking at inappropriate images is normal (albeit ossur) and does not mean something is wrong with the bochur. Luckily, there’s a great new book, From Boys to Men, that addresses this issue.

3) Conversely, many times when a bochur is struggling it is a mental health issue. Mussar will not help. A rebbe should know the signs of depression, ADHD, anxiety and addictions at the very least and know that he CANNOT treat it, nor is it his job, and make a correct referral (Relief can be helpful).

4) Advice should never be given when it is unasked for. Especially pushy advice and especially to an avreich. When it is sought out, it should only be given if the Rebbe has an intimate understanding of the talmud and the situation. Advice should not be given after just a ten minute meeting.

5) Healthy outlets should be encouraged! One of my most toxic yeshivos I attended had a no-anything rule. No newspapers, no magazines, no books, no sports. This is because a bochur needs to be focused solely on learning and disconnected from the outside world. This is toxic insanity. I needed to read to unwind, when I mentioned it to my RY, he said “read a sefer”. (I ended up smuggling in some Zman magazines, nearly risking expulsion). Such a rule should not exist - a healthy human being needs outlets.

6) In converse, unhealthy outlets should be discouraged! The same RY above was fine with smoking, because its just an outlet! Or its only a “bochurishe” mistake. Nobody ever died from watching a movie. Many have from smoking. Yet one is looked at more askance than the other.

7) A RY should not disagree with a parent to the bachur (assuming there is a healthy parent-child relationship). It doesn’t matter whether you feel he should stay in learning or go to a certain yeshiva - he’s not your child! Especially if the RY or Rebbe is doing it for religious reasons - the parent wants the boy to go to college for example. (There may be room for an exception if the bochur would not succeed in a certain yeshiva, for example, but that wouldn’t be for religious reasons). The Rebbe does not get to overrule the parents, and when he interferes, he causes a lot of psychological distress. If a Rebbe feels he absolutely must, he should speak to the parents only. Not the bochur.

These are some basic guidelines. Halevai they are adopted.