Radicalizing Rebbeim Revisited

Is there hope yet for improving our Yeshivos?

Of all my pieces I’ve written, the one with the most split feedback by far was the Rise of the Radicalizing Rebbeim:

The rise of the radicalizing rebbeim

While many women were left befuddled by what I meant, many men reached out to me privately and shared stories and examples. Others questioned what my motivation was.

I will like to share some feedback and explain my point. Also, hopefully, the women will get what I mean. My point isn’t to bash the yeshiva system or to vent. It is to point out a growing problem, which will be discussed in a moment, and to advocate for change.

Here are two stories among many I was told:

The first involves an aleph-tier yeshiva. This is one of the harder mesivtos to get into in Lakewood, and the RY behind it is generally considered a master mechanech. Here is the story:

When I was in 9th or 10th grade, a bunch of bochrim decided to take a skiing trip over an off shabbos midwinter break. These were top bochrim who were learning nonstop and totally dedicated to their yiras shamayim, shemiras eynayim, etc. This was meant to be a refreshing break for the bochrim, was planned with parents (almost all who were avreichim themselves) and was going to be carried out with complete adult supervision. Well it was, until the day before the trip, when the Rosh Yeshiva gave a shmooze to the whole yeshiva about bochrim going on trips. “In truth we shouldn’t have off shabbosim¹ at all. It was instituted for shvache out of town yeshivos. Unfortunately we have to give it because its expected. But for a bunch of bochrim to go skiing? Maybe for shvache bochrim like in Eatontown who need to be kept busy. But top bochrim like you should be learning over the off shabbos, not going skiing chas veshalom.”

In short, a totally kosher outlet over the break was cancelled because the RY felt bochrim should be learning. (Even if you claim that there was an ulterior motive for canceling the trip, the fact is that the message taught to the yeshiva was that bochrim should be learning in their only downtime in a month).

Here is a second story. This story is from the other extreme; not from a former student at an aleph mesivta but from a former staff member in a gimmel-tier mesivta:

I remember when I was teaching English and a boy needed to be disciplined for something chutzpadig he had done. I took him to the hanhala, who told me I should let him get away with it because “English isn’t important anyways” and
”its just to break up the day, because nebach these boys can’t learn the whole day so we need to keep them busy, so we have English”.

This yeshiva had bright boys with learning disabilities, boy who were not that bright but really creative artistically, and boys who were struggling to keep up. None got the help they needed. Rather, they were merely to be “kept busy” because “nebach, they can’t learn”. BTW, none of these boys were learning that much in the morning either.

What happened was that the hanhala’s utterly twisted way of viewing success and failure - i.e, in the prism of learning - meant that these boys, who could be successful in many other ways, were left to feel like failures.

Another friend shared with me a list of things he had personally heard from rebbeim in his yeshiva:

1. Bein Hazmanim is a waste of time, and we only do it because people today are weak.

2. A bachur should never watch a recorded video, because a bachur's mind is precious and no distractions should be put into his mind.

3. If your mother will not get offended, you should ask to stay home from chol hamoed trips and instead use Yom tov to learn.

4. People who sleep or hang around on shabbos afternoon instead of being in the beis midrash are being mechalel shabbos.

5. All human activity is meant to cater to learning, and other than that there is no value to what they do. (emphasis mine - Ash)

6. When bochurim once raised a ridiculous amount of money for a siyum, a rebbi commented that we did a favor to the baalei batim by doing something useful with their money.²

Many yeshivos not only advocate for the above values, they build it into their schedule. One local mesivta has night seder ending officially at 1130 and Shachris at 7:15. This means, of course, that the bochrim have no free time for themselves and their own interests outside of a few short bein hasedarim. And that is precisely the point!³

This leads me to a Mishpacha article on a great organization, Nesivos. Nesivos deals with boys who have been struggling. While you should read the whole article, I would like to focus on one specific point, which I bolded.

[Rabbi Greenspoon] says that over the years working with struggling kids, one question kept coming up — the question so many of us continue to ask: Why is it that the challenges these kids have during their young years often manifest in their challenges with Yiddishkeit?

Of course, not every child who struggles with emotional issues goes OTD. Mostly it’s because youngsters who don’t overthink or overanalyze their struggles have the ability — combined with a supportive family environment and parents who can give soothing affection — to reset themselves. And in general, those are not the kids who abandon mitzvos.

“But then,” Rabbi Greenspoon explains, “you have children like a boy I’ll call ‘Chaim.’ Chaim cares a lot, maybe he even over-cares — when he’d hear about a tzarah, he’d take a Tehillim to bed. Now, you have to remember the backdrop of all these kids from frum homes: The first thing they do in morning is wash negel vasser and say Modeh Ani, and when they go to sleep, it’s Kriyas Shema — which means that Yiddishkeit is with them from the time they wake up until they go to bed. It really the deepest part of them.

“That’s how Chaim is growing up, but there are other challenges. He has a learning disability, he can’t grasp what’s going on in class, and he’s also picked on by a bully — and he doesn’t tell his parents any of this. The teacher comes down hard on him because he daydreams, and he’s developed anxiety, which makes it even harder to focus. Basically, he’s afraid that everyone will see that he’s not normal, that he can’t seem to succeed when everyone else can.

“And so he davens, begs Hashem to make life easier. But as some point, when life stops making sense, so does his Yiddishkeit. It just becomes too painful. It’s too painful that he can’t learn Hashem’s Torah, it’s too painful that his tefillos aren’t being answered, so he can’t bring himself to daven anymore. He feels, ‘I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I’m a disappointment.’ He has no internal way of feeling good about himself, and thinks, ‘I’m going to Gehinnom anyway, so what’s the point?’”

Rabbi Greenspoon explains that from that point on, everything in Yiddishkeit becomes complicated and painful, so he stops going to minyan, stops saying brachos, watches things he shouldn’t.

“In order to find some inner sense of calm and peace, he turns off the feeling switch, because it’s too painful to feel. And he turns off the Yiddishkeit switch, too, so he can finally get some relief. Yet he’s also lost his sense of self, his primal identity, which means there’s no consistency, no structure. At first, he’ll put on his tefillin — he doesn’t want to miss a day so he’ll wrap himself a few seconds before shkiah. But then those straps become too heavy, and they come with so many mixed feelings: of anger at Hashem, of no self-worth, of being trapped, of being dirty, of not being worthy. Better to keep those tefillin in the closet.

“You know,” Rabbi Greenspoon continues, “when I meet these kids, they always report that for years they felt dead inside. We keep hearing how it seems to have happened so suddenly, literally from today to tomorrow, but that’s not really true. Years before they began to be mechallel Shabbos, they stopped caring about Shabbos. They’ve been struggling for a long time — I used to think the struggle started around 7th grade, but today it’s even earlier, more like 5th grade. And they don’t tell their parents because they don’t want to hurt them, so instead they wind up feeling disconnected from their family system. And we’re not even talking about abuse. Throw that into the mix and multiply all of the above.”

So what’s the solution?

Rabbi Greenspoon wants to help parents shift their focus, to help them help their children find self-worth and a meaningful identity, instead of just seeing that their son is not going to shul or their daughter’s skirt is too short.

“These kids have a different way of coming back, and it’s not going to be just by putting back the mitzvos that have been so painful for them and that are tied up with so much disappointment, shame, and anxiety. In fact, those might be the last things that come back,” he says. “We need to show them that they can be successful, that they’re still a part of us, to help them rebuild without diving back into all that pain. Often the first place of reconnection is with their families, but that will only happen if the family can accept where they’re at.”

What Rabbi Greenspoon is doing is amazing work and needs to be done. But what needs to be asked is “Why do only struggling kids get to make their own sense of self in our yeshiva system?”

What is repeated again and again in these anecdotes - and anyone who has gone to a contemporary yeshiva knows this is true - is that the ONLY thing worth doing is learning Torah.⁴ Anything else is permitted only as an outlet if it helps you learn. Otherwise it is mocked - often quite viciously. A bochur who enjoys playing chess, reading books, learning science, being proficient in secular studies, or anything STEM is mocked. A bochur who enjoys sports, likes hocking politics, or can play music - is quietly tolerated, as long as the bochur knows “its just an outlet” or “its just to recharge your learning”. Any inherent value in these pursuits is viewed as a waste of time.⁵

Unfortunately, the teenage years is exactly when developmentally people build their sense of self.⁶ This means they build into their psyche what is important and what is not, what they value and what they cherish. Unfortunately, our yeshiva system’s values are so narrow that only one thing could posibly be valued - learning b’iyun. All hobbies and things that were once enjoyed can be tolerated, depending on which yeshiva, but never intrinsically valued. This is something that must change! We have created a yeshiva system for Sodom, where we make each bochur fit to our narrow-mindedness! If a bochur’s only sense of self-value is what someone else pushed on him instead of what he himself personally values and figured out on his own, the second he leaves that milieu, he will shatter and fall apart, because it is not him! In fact, he probably doesn’t even know who he is! This is extremely common. We end up with boys in Nesivos, and we end up with Baalebatim who follow the yeshivos second biggest value, money⁷. This directly leads to a second phenomon which is quite common in Lakewood: Baalebatim who live large and flashy and enjoy life (vehamayvin yavin).

What we don’t get is well adjusted adults with their own interests, hobbies, and passions. And we need those. There is lack of authenticity in most people here who are not benei torah. It’s something I see daily. And even among many benei torah, they also lack a sense of who they are versus what the system feels they should be. I have heard many social workers in my hometown say this - the biggest problem in our town is the lack of a sense of self, which leads to many more issues. And the core of that goes to our yeshiva education.⁸

What people advocating for the contemporary system⁹ don’t get is this: Yeshivos pre-Europe were a choice! Most bochrim didn’t go there- only those who already had that internal sense of self that loved learning. That being the case, when one who’s sense of self loves learning, it makes sense to be singly-minded on that goal. But not for a school system for a general klal!

Luckily, there is an alternative. Right now, its only being used by yeshivos for kids at risk, but it can and should spread to all mainstream yeshivos. And that is the Waterbury mehalach.

Rabbi Kalish of Waterbury is strong believer in building up bochrim’s sense of self, passions and interests. And he is no faker. He even sent his own kids to his yeshiva.

While he has a ton of shiurim online where he spreads his passion, arguably the strongest argument for that mehalach comes from a former OTD talmud of his:¹⁰

After Chofetz Chaim, he attended a yeshiva in Waterbury, Connecticut, where he found teachers with a compassionate approach to Judaism. Unlike the authoritarian figures he had known before, these rabbis behaved with a genuine sense of kindness, embodying their religious beliefs in honest and humane ways. Franklin admired how these teachers made the religion appear beautiful and dignified, providing a rare glimpse of sincerity and warmth within his religious education. Their open-hearted teaching left a positive, lasting impression on him, even as he ultimately decided to pursue a different path.

As his musical tastes expanded, Franklin became obsessed with bands like Guns N' Roses and especially its iconic guitarist Slash. His love for music became a form of resistance against the religious constraints that had defined his early life. His interests were not secret, the principal at Waterbury, Rabbi Daniel Kalish, knew that “I had posters of Slash in my dorm room and he would come in and ask me questions. ‘What's that guitar? Explain this to me.’” One day Franklin told him, “‘Rebbe, Slash is coming to town. He's coming to Connecticut.’ And he’s like ‘Shlomo, you have to go!’” Much to his surprise, the rabbi lent Franklin his own car — with a full gas tank — so he and a friend could go to the show.

In concert, Slash exceeded expectations as “the man, the myth, the legend in person.” Despite getting in late the night before, Franklin made sure to get to shiur the next morning, to show his gratitude to the rabbi. After class Rabbi Kalish shook his hand and in his hand was some money for the ticket – “he wanted to sponsor me to see a rock and roll show.” It was an act of generosity of spirit that lives with Franklin even now. “I really think he deeply respects what people are into and what makes them happy. And to him again, there's not that strong a contradiction between someone enjoying, you know, a raucous rock and roll show and learning [Torah]…. Joy is essential to life. And it's essential to his Jewish way of life. He's a beautiful man.”

While I am not saying that we should go to this extreme and allow our talmidim to go to nonJewish rock concerts, rabbeim should absolutely be interested in their students kosher outlets, and teach them that it is valued because it is a part of who they are, be it music, Harry Potter, chess or skiiing. And give them the free time to focus on themselves and thier interests, no matter what it is. Value it, because by valueing it you value them. This is a change we can make - and if we do it, hopefully we can put Nesivos out of business.

1. Yes, it should be shabatot. But no one says that, because no one knows dikduk.

2. It also included two more, which probably deserve to be the focus of a different column: 7. If we would have a general that we know is on the right madreiga, we would go to war against the Zionists and 8. The Holocaust was a good thing because it stopped the spread of haskala.

3. Relevant reddit thread.

4. And in many yeshivos, not even Hashem’s Torah. Not Chumash, mussar, halacha or bekius. Only the Rosh Yeshivos’ Torah.

5. The sole exception to this rule is Waterbury, where R Kalish sent his own nonstruggling kids, to show that this is the primary values a yeshiva should run on. More on this later.

6. I strongly recommend the Inside Out movies which are both pretty kosher and depict the sense of self quite accurately and vividly.

7. Not that this is their fault. Yeshivos must collect money to survive. But when a yeshiva bochur fails in learning, he will naturally gravitate to what he sees his Rosh Yeshiva do in his spare time, which is to earn (collect) money.

8. I do not know much about the Bais Yaakov system so I will not comment except to say a school in Lakewood denigrated a famous female Jewish singer because um, she was too famous. Which cannot be good for the sense of self either, being told that if one is successful, it is untzenua.

9. I strongly recommend my good friend Yosef Hirsh’s analysis of the system:

Analyzing “The System” Pt 1.

10. Please do not strawman R Kalish because this boy went OTD. He has many many talmidim who are strongly frum and produce great music, such as Gavriel Reichman, Dovid Edell, and Akiva Hammond. Each of these guys has a great sense of self and are real and authentic. But they don’t have article online I can quote from.