Why I am raising my kids Chareidi - Part 2

A reply to "For the Children"

A few days ago, Yaakov Terrae wrote a critique of my article “Why I am raising my kids Chareidi.”

Why am I raising my kids Chareidi? Because they don't got rizz

In his response, he called me a “fundamentalist” and “irrational”.

Being the fundamentalist and irrational guy I am, I crossposted his post, giving it access to a larger audience, with a small response in the top posted comment. I’m reprinting my response in a footnote here¹, as the original post was deleted. I have since reposted the article in the archives of my blog.

But rereading the article and the comments there, I see it is actually Yaakov Terrae who is the irrational fundamentalist. He wasn’t assuming I was comparing Chareidi education to Modern Orthodox education (something that should have been clear in the original article, considering I call out Modox a hundred times), he was assuming I was comparing the Chareidi system to every possible educational system ever! So let me be clear: It is indeed entirely possible that the Tibetan Montessori school system or the Harvard Minor League Baseball Boot Camp Pre-K or the Red House Socialist School all produce better outcomes than the chareidi educational system. However, THIS BLOG IS GEARED TO ORTHODOX JEWS AND WRITTEN BY ONE. So that eliminates the Mormon Tabernacle Joseph E Smith Educational Choir One Room Schoolhouse and a number of other options.

In fact, the only two conceivable systems for a believing Orthodox Jew are the Chareidi school system² and the Modern Orthodox school system³. The schools are broken up into a variety of levels and exist on a spectrum, but in general, Chareidi schools prioritize Limudei Kodesh, having it first in the day with secular studies, even if granted importance, being deemphasized and taking place in the afternoon, contact with the outside world is discouraged with different schools placing different limits on the student body and their parents, Zionism is not stressed or even actively preached against, are always single sex, and a general hashkafa of Torah prioritizing everything else is actively cultivated. In contrast, Modern Orthodox schools equate secular and kodesh studies in practice even if not in hashkafa, have no limits on parents or student bodies outside school hours, Zionism is stressed as a value, may be single-sex or coed, and Torah is a(n important) value among many others. Those are the basic choices an Orthodox parent can choose. Even the Sefardi educational system⁴, once more monolithic, has bifurcated along these lines.

Now, the question was raised to me many times why I send my kids to Chareidi institutions when many of my hashkafos are closer to the Modern Orthodox community and I constantly call out the chareidi community. That post was an answer to that question, and not to “why I don’t send my kids to the Allah Akhbar Muhamidijian Explosive Academy (motto: we only need to demonstrate once)”.

But I think I need to expand on that answer, because the original post was more Modox bashing than Chareidi praising. Here is my positive answer:

I am a believing Jew. I believe the Torah is divine, that Hashem wants us to follow Halacha.

It is BECAUSE I believe the Torah is divine and that Hashem wants us to follow Halacha is why I spend so much time focusing on Emuna shaylos, the interplay of Torah and Science and the problems with Chareidi society. A divine Torah should and does have answers to these questions that do not require us to resort to conspiracy theories (such as young earth or chazal knowing everything or magic existing or zohar being written by RSBY etc etc). We can and should accept science without having to sound like raving loons to anyone who doesn’t already believe. We shouldn’t need to resort to obscurantism to maintain our beliefs, and we certainly shouldn’t pride ourselves in it (as is current yeshivish wont).

The same applies to morality. The Torah, being a divine work, can and should appeal to basic universal morals - not the leftist zeitgeist, but basic ethical principals that innately exist within us. We shouldn't be raising our kids in a manipulative, pressured anxious fashion. If we sound cruel to everyone (not just atheists) who doesn’t already believe, we are doing something wrong. We should not be expecting thirteen year old kids to live a life that was expected only of rabbis in the past. It is not the Torah that tells us to do this but our own twisted yeshivish culture that we need to fix.

But all of that is missing the main point. I focus on these things because I believe in the Torah and it is my belief in the Torah that made me care about Hashem’s world and the morality he implanted within us. Thus, ensuring my children take the Torah and its way of life seriously is one of my utmost educational priorities. It is from the Torah that I learnt these values and it is from the Torah I value education and it is from the Torah I care about the things that are wrong in our society - which is why I want to fix it, not run away from it. Thus my highest priority is that my kids take the Torah seriously - and join me in fixing the world.

Unfortunately, it is hard for me to believe the Modern Orthodox school system in the USA imparts the necessary seriousness needed for the Torah. (The hesder system in Israel is much different, and far better). This is not meant to be a negative article,⁵ so I will not go into details, but that fact is evident to pretty much any unbiased observer. There are endless articles I could cite, but this one drives the point home. Called “Cancel Culture comes to Modern Orthodoxy,” it was written during COVID, and should have shocked the Modern Orthodox community but didn’t:

Our son, Rabbi Ari Schonfeld, conducted his Zoom-based Night Seder America (NSA) for boys during the height of the crisis, beginning a few weeks before Pesach and continuing into the first weeks of the summer. It was a free program in which the boys learned Gemara, played “That’s My P’sak,” plus a whole variety of entertaining Torah offerings and valuable raffles nightly. You may have seen the front-page coverage of the program in the Jewish Link here and in Bergen County, plus a major spread in Mishpacha magazine. An amazing 1,500 boys plus other family members from across the country – and the globe – tuned in nightly. He continues to receive letters from boys and their parents expressing how NSA saved them from a total spiritual and emotional collapse during those awful times.

Guess what? There were no boys on the program from Modern Orthodox yeshivos. I am not exaggerating. None. The QJL and the Jewish Link of New Jersey had beautifully-written articles covering the program, but not one boy attended from the modern community in those readership areas. Yet, the more chareidi kids in the same neighborhoods were well represented.

It’s not a personal issue; it’s a major statement. Why did the modern yeshivos/day schools not produce students who felt drawn to learning when they had so much dead time on their hands? Will you say because it was geared for kids from a different culture? It decidedly was not programmed that way. And why was excitement in Torah talk not their culture?!…

….Ask the average 8^th grade boy in these day schools who was, say, the Chasam Sofer? Rav Shamshon Raphael Hirsch? Sarah Schenirer? The Chazon Ish? Rebbetzin Kanievsky? Rav Moshe Feinstein? Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik? What years did they flourish? Where did they live? Have they ever met the Novominsker Rebbe zt”l? Rav Hershel Schachter shlita?

Better yet, ask them: Who was Chaim Weitzman? David Ben Gurion? Golda Meir? Moshe Dayan? Vladimir Jabotinsky? Menachem Begin? My bet is most of them will not know.

Now ask them: Who was Babe Ruth? Hank Aaron? Michael Jordan? Lebron James? Would they like to meet the latter two?

My point is, kids are not taught their history – even recent history. If they are, it is not absorbed. It’s not lived. They are not taught to love and admire g’dolei Torah. They are not taught what great spiritual heights our people can reach. They are not taught that these are our real heroes to emulate. The enthusiasm in learning Torah is absent. We can be huge sports fans, and all Orthodox kids in America thankfully are, but the athletes should not be their idols. Rav Moshe Feinstein should be. Rav Soloveitchik should be. The Chazon Ish should be. Sarah Schenirer should be. Rebbetzin Kanievsky should be.

Personally, I want the Torah to be my son’s culture. I want my kid to love learning. I want my kid to be passionate about yiddishkeit as I am. I want my kids Judaism to enhance and be part of their life. The chareidi schools do this best. Sure, there are problems that need fixing. Sure, there are questions that need answers. But to address the problems and care about the questions you need to care about Judaism and Torah in the first place. And that is where the Chareidi world excels.

I’m not worried they will feel guilty or experience anxiety - my parental role and choice of school will assure that. But the excitement of yiddishkeit requires a school that takes it seriously. And that’s why I am sending my kids to a Chareidi school.

1. My response:

Great article. I agree with pretty much every point, except for you labeling me a fundamentalist.

Two haaros: 1) I don't believe you read my blog regularly, because if you did, you'd notice that every second post makes this point. I'd especially recommend my article Spiritual Abuse Is Real and the Radicalizing Rebbeim series of articles.

2) You didn't even read my original post correctly, because if you did, you'd see that I don't believe the gedolim have magical insight. (Quite the opposite really).

As far as your conclusion, I disagree on two points: while the trauma is real, it is often based on parental attitudes as well. I think it is possible to raise your kids in Chareidi society while allowing them movies, secular education, and exposure to the outside world. I plan on doing that. I also think you avoid most (all?) trauma that way. It's more five towns Chareidi than Lakewood Chareidi. Secondly, most people in secular schools can't name all of those thinkers either. Gimme a break. The elite can but the the hoi polloi just know the Kardashians and Tay-Tay. Raising your kids secular just gives them their own set of insecurities and anxieties. I'd rather my kid be worried about missing Shachris than his gender identity or her sex appeal. Fact is, the mental health of Chareidi kids are generally in better shape than non-Jewish kids as a whole. Would it actually be impossible to raise my kids Chareidi without trauma, id raise them OoT modern Orthodox. But I think it is possible.

2. Located on the Edmund Safra Campus

3. Located on the Charles Kushner Campus

4. Located on the Jeff Sutton campus

5. Yes I know, way too late for that.