GUEST POST: Why Shulman is raising his kids Chareidi

It's all about halacha

In this post, Shulman, who has previously contributed to this blog, makes an halachic argument why to raise one’s kids Chareidi. As he correctly intuited, I studiously avoided making this argument, because I disagree with it. But it deserves to be made, and it’s well written, so here’s Shulman’s guest post:

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This is an actual poster of a TV show in India that I thought apropos for Shulman’s post. This was not his idea.

I want to preface by saying that I loved Ash's post about rizz and all, as well as his follow up. I hope they become the more popular posts if they haven't already. They hit on a really important and scary reality that we all need to be wary of.

Also, I would like to give a shout out to Ash in general for tackling a relatively wide range of issues from a (somewhat) insider's perspective. Despite the many differences of opinion we may (and do) have, I hope you continue and that your voice finds an even larger audience moving forward. We need critics who aren’t just yelling from the sidelines, but trying to take the lead and fix what’s broken in our culture. (aww thanks - Ash)

With that said, I want to offer a critique - not in the spirit of contradiction, but of expansion. This addition highlights a fundamental difference between a Charedi perspective like mine and the approach Ash articulates. (I wrote this before part two came out so bear that in mind, but it's still very relevant and important so I'm leaving it as is.)

Why I’m Raising My Kids Charedi

Ash made the point that for all the flaws in Charedi society, we’ve gotten one big thing right. Our cultural insulation from TV, movies, YouTube, TikTok, and general internet craziness is essential for our children to grow up normal.

In a world where kids are drowning in the dopamine hits of "shorts" and "likes", at the price of losing basic human interaction skills, emotion regulation, and responsibility, this cultural shelter is the only way. In Charedi circles, even merely mentioning a movie is "chok velo ya'avor." TikTok doesn’t enter the conversation. This "lack" is a feature, not a bug. And it’s really healthy.

Part 1: Halacha

My critique is not about his point, but rather on what he didn't say. From his post there is an absence that, imo, is telling about how I view the modern technology issues and how he does. The way I see it, the reason we avoid these technologies isn’t primarily because of their psychological or sociological impact. That’s a side benefit (a huge and important one, one which in its own right is big enough to join a more sheltered society). Rather, the real reason is simple: Halacha.

And Halacha, let me be clear, is not a flexible set of practices. It's not suggestion. It’s law. It’s demanding, unsympathetic - and for Charedim, it's absolutely central to how we live. So before we talk strategies about dealing with the modern challenges (which need to be addressed), we need to define what the Halacha is, to show where we eternally stand on the issues.

The reason I raise my kids Charedi is because of halacha. Not because I think Charedim have everything figured out (we don’t), or because the outside world is irredeemable (it isn’t). But because I believe our highest obligation is to live by Hashem’s will as expressed in Torah and Halacha—no matter how countercultural that may be.

So let’s talk tachlis. Let’s not talk mussar, chumros, or “lifnim mishuras hadin.” Let’s talk halacha pesuka.

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1. Movies

What does Halacha say about movies?

Bottom line: 99.9% of movies are categorically assur.

Why? The Gemara in Bava Basra says that if a man walks past a place where women are immodestly dressed (e.g. elbows uncovered) and has another route available, he’s called a rasha even if he closes his eyes. If he has no choice, he still has to try his hardest not to look.

I advise everyone to review the Gemara in Niddah 13b which describes the severity of intentionally causing one's self to have erotic thoughts, (especially when it leads to masturbation). See footnote (no need to elaborate on top what is already known, but as a footnote it is a good reminder, and since honestly, who will look it up if it's not on the page right here?).¹

Most movies are full of content that violate these laws. Sometimes it’s obvious (nudity, innuendo), other times it’s more subtle but still problematic (a quick glance, a joke). Even animated films can cross halachic lines if they arouse inappropriate thoughts.

Yes, there are exceptions. 12 Angry Men, for example, is probably okay (as far as I recall). Many animated films pass the test. And with those, I have very little issue. But those are rare.

And even if someone does watch a forbidden movie, Halacha (see Brachos 34b and Tos. codified in SA OC 607:2) teaches us that a person who sins should be ashamed - not proud. אשרי נשוי פשע כסוי חטאה. It should never be a topic of casual conversation, which means that even those who violate this law are not going to talk about it publicly, leaving out of our society's lexicon entirely.

(I want to stress early on that this does not mean one should never watch movies, even if they are assur, see part 2.)

2. Internet

Unfiltered internet? Not a chance! The halachic issues here are worse than the movie case. The idea of darka achrina - finding another route - applies here in spades. It's not an option (a darka achrina) in today's day and age to have no internet. But unfiltered?

Yes, if the content is kosher, free of nivul peh and immodesty, that’s a different conversation. Ash's substack is mostly okay;) But the baseline is: we shun movies, we shun unfiltered internet, and we do so not primarily for psychological reasons - but because Halacha demands it. (This is without getting into the serious discussion about apikorsus material which has its own complications.)

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Yes, I know not every Charedi avoids all movies or social media. We all struggle. But that’s not the point. The point is: we don’t pretend it’s okay. We don’t redefine Halacha to fit our behavior. We acknowledge the ideal, even if we fall short of it.

This also doesn’t mean we ignore mental health, or disregard the positive outcomes of Charediism as Ash discussed. It simply means that outcomes follow values - not the other way around.

But this leads to part 2:

Part 2: Lemaasah

Until here we discussed strict halacha, but tbh, that was הלכה ולא למעשה, halacha in it's strict, cold sense, without the human aspect. Practically life isn't so black and white at all, and this next part of the discussion is as important as the first. But we need to have a clear understanding of the first part before we move on. Now that the halacha is clear, let’s proceed.

Practically, we live in a world with tremendous cultural influence and fulfillable desires like never before. And unless someone is raised in a very sheltered and insulated environment, it's almost impossible to follow the highest standards of halacha perfectly. Any of us who grew up with movies, where internet isn't as regulated as it should be and so on, it would be incredibly difficult to just drop it all cold turkey. This doesn't mean these things are allowed; it does mean that we're in the middle of a process.

Being in a process means that we are like baalei teshuva who aren't yet holding by perfection. We're like children who aren't in control yet. Demanding perfection and feeling bad when things go wrong is one of the most damaging experiences to growth and healthiness. So what is to be done?

There are three steps:

1. We need to know what a halacha says (part one). That's the ideal we're striving toward.

2. Don't say, "It's okay, it's allowed, the halacha doesn't apply to me." It does apply to you. Unequivocally.

3. But - here's the key: If you really want to watch that movie, watch it. But meanwhile, tell yourself that what you're doing is not okay, you're just not at that level yet. And one day, you'll get there.

This may sound radical at first - it almost sounds like I'm saying to intentionally break the rules, be a meizid, instead of a shogeg, which I kind of am. But it is quite obvious to anyone who is involved in chinuch or kiruv - and it should be clear to anyone trying to grow themselves but struggling with certain challenges. If we tell ourselves, "it's okay" and ignore the truth, we'll never move forward. And if we tell ourselves it's not okay and that we're just bad, we'll feel even worse and this opens up a whole new set of problems. Instead, we should tell ourselves it's not okay, but I'm growing. I'm going to watch that movie because I'm not ready to give it up yet. I might never even be ready to give up movie watching entirely (no need to envision a bleak and boring future; if that time comes, you'll deal with it then). The good feeling and the "zoning out" that comes from these forms of entertainment are very hard to quit. If you really love Taylor Swift, don't stop and fall back a few weeks later. Listen another time or few. And say, "It's wrong. But I'm just not holding there yet." You can slowly move away from movies which have adult content, move on one day to just PG and eventually G-rated movies, and then maybe just animations.

Not that this needs major sources - it's obvious - but I did hear this from a big baal mussar many years ago and he had haskamos from gedolim (happy to share more details in private) and he has helped countless struggling individuals (including himself:) using this method. I use it constantly with struggling bachurim and their parents, and many people I work with use it with their clients. I could share many stories and many examples, but it's very personal and tailored to where each person is, from people struggling with what is deemed as the lowest of the low to those struggling only with too much bitul Torah.² The common denominator is that one needs to (a) be truly honest with himself and (b) be trying to grow.

I wish everyone much hatzlacha, and of course, I'm available at davidschulmannn@gmail.com for specifics.

1. This sugya in Niddah 13b is one of the clearest and most sobering discussions about the hirhur - something that happens routinely when watching movies or YouTube etc. -.

המקשה עצמו לדעת - הרי זה בכלל מביא עצמו לידי הרהור.
וכל המביא עצמו לידי הרהור – אין מכניסין אותו במחיצתו של הקב"ה.

One who deliberately causes himself to have an erection is bringing himself to hirhurim (lustful thoughts), and anyone who brings himself to such thoughts is not welcomed into the presence of God.

Let that sink in: “Ein machnisin oso b’michitzaso shel HaKadosh Baruch Hu.”.

And the Gemara goes even further.

"ידיכם דמים מלאו" – אלו המנאפים ביד.
"Your hands are full of blood" – these refer to those who sin through their own hands.

"לא תנאף" – לא כתיב אשה, אלא לומר שלא יהא בך שום ניאוף: לא ביד, לא ברגל.

"Do not commit adultery" doesn’t say ‘with a woman,’ to teach that there must not be any form of sexual transgression—by hand, foot, or otherwise.

The Rambam, the Rishonim, and the Shulchan Aruch all codify these principles, and none of them treat this as a gray area. It’s black and white.

2. This is as per Rav Dessler famously put “nekudas habechirah”.